Monday, 31 May 2010

KEHLOG ALBRAN - 1933- 1927

The author was a lifelong member of the Diner's Club and did much of his most creative writing there. His style was that of a man with a much larger brain. Born in Brest-Litovsk, much of his earlier work was published in his native dialect in which language he is still greatly revered. In an area embracing several hectares in that city, he is still looked upon as a demi-god. His drawings and paintings have been exhibited in Quito, Ecuador. His artistic and literary style have been compared by Chester Gould to the work of Ernest Bushmiller and by Bushmiller to the work of Gould. Upon moving to America, his greatest desires were to write in his adopted language. English; to make a million dollars, and to retire from pseudo-philosophy so that he might open a chain of laundromats. It is the world's loss that he never succeeeded in writing in English.
During much of Albran's lifetime, he was widely thought to be dead. This confusion was the result of the trance-like state Albran affected at public appearances. Con-versely, as one might expect of so mystical a figure, after his death many of his followers continued to believe him still alive. Various schools or sects ultmately developed: the Alban Lives School, the Albran Never lived School, and the Two Albrans Faction.
Though a rationale for these conflictin factions can be attributed to Alban's erratic behavior and lifeless appearance in public, in private life Albran was a different person. Given to high camaraderie and practical jokes, he once commented that the Whoopie Cushion had done more for mankind's betterment than Marx, Christ and Oral Roberts rolled into one.
Though a man of spirit, he was also a man of the flesh. He especially enjoyed having a thin stream of his favourite beverage (Dubronnet and Diet-Rite) poured into his mouth by a lady friend while he lay in a transparent Plexiglas bathtub filled with Blueberry Yoghurt.
To the accusations that he was a whoremonger and womanizer, he frequently replied, "Oh, Yeah? Prove it." Or, sometimes, "So was Rasputin."
That he is indeed dead is now an undisputrd fact, though the date of death remains shrouded in mystery as a result of Albran's own diabolical scheme. His glossy but perfectly body was discovered months or perhaps years later by his literary agent in the tiny, austere room in which he spent his final years. Apparently sensing that the end was near, Albran had hung a five gallon plastic bag of shellac on the ceiling immediately over the chair where he spent so much of his time watching daytime television. As his hand slipped from the arm of the chair, it pulled a wire releasing the shellac which coated his entire body and most of the chair to a depth exceeding a quarter of an inch in many places. Thus, Albran contributed to his own immortality, as well as that of the chair.

"HIS POWER came from some great resevoir of distlled water, else it could not have been so transparent yet liquid, so apparently lacking sophistication while at the same time actually lacking sophistication. So tasteless, yet wet."

Man will never penetrate outer space. - Albran, August 1942

Man will never penetrate outer space without a rocket. - Albran, August 1962.


I ran to the high Spot to think of the
oncoming perversions and prevailed upon
my subconscious to deliver artifacts of a
bigted perceptio. But, I was not asleep,
therefore... awake. And not alone.

A parent is a child, the child a parent.
A mother is a daughter, a father is a son.
A father is the son of a son,
the mother is the daughter of a maid.
A maid is the daughter of a child.
A turtle is a grasshopper.
A grasshopper is a worm.
A worm is icky.

AND an artist said,
Speak to us of Praise.
He then said:
Spinning Gold from words of Praise does
not require a maiden's hand, or the caco-
phonous stare of a blind frog.
But it would be a nice gesture.

AND a merchant asked,
What of Wheels?
The Master replied:
A Wheel is round, much like an apple.
Both have a simplicity in their nature.

A Wheel can rotate, which causes it to
move in a circle.
This I observed while quite young.
Some have yet to learn the wisdom of
the circle.

An apple can fall from a tree and
become unnotice as it rots and goes
back to earth.
A Wheel can fall from atree and will be
noticed immediately, for it is not natural
for wheels to grow on trees.
A cart with four strong Wheels soes not
deserve more than a passing glance, but a
cart riding atop four apples would cause
men to wonder.

What is normal to an apple is not normal
to a Wheel.
But both are like circles.
And both are very much alike.
Except for the Apple.


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